what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
