Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
