My entire life is one complicated drinking game
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
She told me I should be a condom model.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
