Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
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The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
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You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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