Well apparently he's into motor boating.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
