Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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