Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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