i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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