I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
