I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
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