You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
