Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
