Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
