Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
