If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
The best revenge is premature balding
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
