we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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