If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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