you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
