Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
