I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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