I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Dating After Heartbreak
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?