Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
