At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
