Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
