My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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