I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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