her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
