This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
