I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
