I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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