He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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