Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
you had me at cake vodka
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
