Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
