May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
