there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
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