i was rollin on her like bob the builder
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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