That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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