Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
