You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
