I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
someone owes me an orgasm
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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