I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
