something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
