Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
