I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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