I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
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