dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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