I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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