I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
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