Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
