I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
