her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
sex in a hospital.. check
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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