I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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