last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
