um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
